CAT | Comedy
When I was much younger I used to play football all the time. I was the best football player on my team because I was big and strong and all the other kids were very friendly. But then when I turn 10 I stopped growing. I stayed 5 feet and 4 inches tall for my entire life and people were no longer scared me. It was such a disaster. Whenever I try to intimidate people on the football field I would just laugh at me. Our member I tried to tackle one of the big players when I turned 11 and I just fell right back onto my rear end. It was such an epic fail in all of the pretty cheerleaders were laughing at me. I hate it when cheerleaders laughed at me because I want to date them because they are the prettiest girls in school. It is so frustrating to be such a little pipsqueak when I used to be the biggest player on the entire team.
I just watched a great video on utube. It was about a guy named Mark that traveled all across the world looking for his true love. It was so romantic and it really made me happy. I hope that one day I can find a man like Mark that will travel across the world to look for me. I hope that I have the qualities that would attract an amazing and romantic man like Mark. I think that I am pretty but I am not sure. I think I will be more sure of whether or not I am pretty when I try out for modeling school next year. The girl that Mark was chasing was a model. That is why I think that I need to be a model to get a man like Mark. My mom says that this is not a good way to think about it but I think that I am right.
Dear Diary
This is my first day in Wandsworth prison. I’m serving a sixteen month sentence for assaulting a national monument….
For anyone reading this I’m very sorry for what I did. I was led astray on a boat of drink and drugs and was suffering from the psychological distress of adopting a cretin as my new father (Dav).
These are my notes on the experience. Let these notes be passed down from hand-to-hand as a record of the ravages I am to experience in prison. Let people say ‘here lies a true soul, an honourable soul, an innocent soul.’
I ask only this from you- remember. History will be my judge.
11 am
I was brought into the jail yesterday morning. I arrived with a group of new inductees, most of them hardly children, barely having tasted life, too young to have the liberty snatched away from them. Guards lined the double doors, dressed in crisp black suits, batons at the ready. There was little conversation, a few flippant remarks, but inside each of us was numb with grief.
Dav, my stepdad, told me before I came in “Be a man. Don’t show any emotion.” Well F*** you Dav I don’t care what you say! I broke down in floods of tears as I was led inside. They wrung the water from my face with a cloth, like I was a wilting Jesus. Am I not a man!
The screws took us into the holding room where my personal items (whistle, quill, Shelley’s ‘Necessity of Atheism’ pamphlet, mirror) were taken away. I was given some paper to write my details on. Beneath profession I wrote ‘Unacknowledged legislator of the world.’
This is a later entry describing my movements yesterday afternoon, the induction, arrival &c.
We were taken to the induction wing, a long, white corridor, clean but not too high, with a series of cast iron doors running along it. A fat little inspector called Paul came in to give us the whole ‘Arbeit macht frei’ welcome speech.
A small boy next to me, he couldn’t have been older than 7, broke down in tears. This isn’t good. You can’t show weakness in this place, and he’ll be marked down as one of the weak from now on.
There was also a fusty old man-probably an academic or accountant-who looked in a serious state of shock. His hand was trembling as he sat there. He’s probably never seen a world like this. He reminded me of Beaky (my history teacher) who was the only kind soul I ever met at Eton. Often would we walk around the grounds discussing Pliny the Elder and laughing at the exploits of Quintus (Quinte, Quinto, Quitinius-hahaha!). I wonder where he is now?
